Future Stuff ::1:: Been Up All Night

[sword_breaker]

[This was not clicking for some reason. He has been staring at these reports for the past hour and half, nothing having been accomplished besides from papers being shuffled around in a semblance of productivity and knives thrown into the pillar behind him out of sheer frustration. His fingers tapping along the worn metal to keep himself from doing further property damage at this rate.

The bottom line was that stress was gnawing at him.

Not from the job though. If anything, reports should came as second nature after the past few months and coordinating had been relatively easy once the rough first week passed by. Being a vanguard should cause less stress than doing actually fieldwork yet here he was at a breaking point almost.

There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Those stupid letters and photos and other bullshit weren't coming in anymore.

Something had to have happened and he's stuck here in this goddamn tower like a fresh rezzed moron.

His hands were effectively tied as well. No one could be sent out without the other two's approval and even then it'd be brought forward to discussion by the head vanguard. Which means that nothing could happen for days and he'll be sitting on his ass like he already was. All it did was make him all the more frustrated about having given up his freedom to leave as he so pleased because at least then someone would be out there trying to figure out what happened.

The hunter buries his face in his hands with an exhausted sigh leaving him. He probably looked like hell at this rate. Throwing himself into long hours had made his sleep schedule an abysmal handful of hours in the past few days. Half the time he didn't know how he wasn't passing out during meetings. Be easy to. Pull the hood further down, lean down on the table and maybe get an hour or two of on and off rest. Might be the best time to try it out to be quite honest since the hall was dead before attempting it when there'd be actual repercussions to getting caught.

He grunts after stretching out on the table some, pillowing his head with his arms for something close to comfortable. Shade is called out of transmat to keep a watch on things while an attempt at a nap was made. The ghost whirling softly in concern but does as told.

Things suck. Might as well try to ignore it for the time being.]

Comments

[sword_breaker]

How the hell is that supposed to make things better? Did that not go through your head before you spat it out? You know oh hey I almost died but I didn't doesn't make things feel any goddamn better.

[He turns to face the titan again, still scowling and pissed off. Though he feels even more fearful after learning all of that. So close to losing someone and not being able to do anything...again.]

Instead of what though? Huh?

[His jaw gets set and he looks away, shaking his head and crossing his arms to stop the desire to punch the idiot even more.]

You know what? Nevermind. I'm going home.

[He skirts past Liam and heads out towards the upper courtyard. There were a couple of people roaming the halls that gave him a wide berth after all the shouting. No one wanted to deal with a ticking time bomb of a Vanguard.]

[rocketsout]

[What can he say in his own defense? There's nothing, really, because every barbed word that the hunter spits out rings so very true. Forethought and subtlety have never been his strengths, and he'd just been so happy to get home, to finally see the other man, that he'd not ver considered the consequences of his actions. Now they're certainly apparent, and there's a quiet noise of distress as the hunter brushes past and stalks out. He whirls on his heels, darting forward to follow him out, regardless of the looks the movement draws.]

James-

[Because for as terrible an idea as it is, he's not about to let the hunter run off. Not on this note, and certainly not when he has so much to try to atone for. It hurts. Hurts in ways that bullets and bruises could never hope to, because it's his fault and he can't figure out how to make it better.]

[sword_breaker]

Fuck off, Liam.

[All he wants to do is get back to the apartment and simply shut down. Just curl up on the bed and recuperate all of that lost sleep and forget the terrifying last few days. But he can't do that while a certain titan is tailing after him.

So he rears up, snaps around and lets arc under his skin finally break out. His armor charged with electric energy and making him all the more dangerous.]

Fuck off and go to hell.

[rocketsout]

[The surge of arc isn't subtle, and he takes a step back for a moment on instinct, his own light flaring to life just under his skin. He quells it again though, forces himself to relax, and that sick feeling in his gut only spreads further and further until it feels like there's something cold and vile nesting beneath his ribs.]

I-

[This wasn't supposed to happen. This really wasn't supposed to happen.]

Yeah.

Okay.

[It's as quiet as he's ever been, and he's too weary and too taken aback to mask any of the hurt in his tone. But it's not about that, and it's not about his own feelings on the matter, and so he doesn't make a move to follow.]

...I'm sorry.

[sword_breaker]

[There's nothing else being thrown at him and the quiet acceptance throws him off some. His anger nothing left to fuel so it simmers down to a fraction of what it had been. The crackling arc dissipating after a couple more moments, leaving him drained.

He lowers his eyes with a soft sigh. The pain in Liam's voice makes him worried and hesitant on what to do next.]

Sorry can only help so much.

[Then he's focused on Shade.]

Activate the frequency. Let's go home.

[A snap of invisibility and both guardian and ghost vanish from sight. The hunter didn't have enough energy to do it on his own. He resorts to an old habit.

Running away and hiding from problems he can't handle.]

[rocketsout]

I know.

[It's been so long since he's had invisibility used against him, and that strikes home harder than any physical blade ever could. And oh it hurts, because it feels so final, and so derisive.

Even with the slight shimmer of arc in the air, it's nearly impossible to keep his sights on the hunter's form, regardless of everything. He wants to, even makes a move as though to step forward, but indecision paralyzes him. He wants so much: to run forward, to deal with the reprecussions, to just reach out and wrap his arms around the hunter regardless of any protest, to make things better.

But it won't solve anything. And so he stands for a bit, staring blankly forward at the place where James' figure used to be.

It takes time, but eventually it's almost robotic the way that he turns on his heel and heads back in to the vanguard quarters. There's a dull noise as his helmet hits the table, and he just stares again for a moment, not processing. It's another dumb decision, one he's not even sure why he's doing, but rationality and good thought have temporarily taken leave. It's a few moments before he can force himself to move; his feet feel leaden, though it has nothing to do with weariness from travel.

Eventually he leaves, helmet left behind, doing his best not to look back, and certainly not meeting the gaze of anyone else that may pass by. Back to the ship then, and then...he has no idea. Tarlowe materializes and buzzes about worriedly, but he waves the ghost off with one hand after he's clear for transmat.

Ship. At least he has a short term goal.]

[sword_breaker]

[Once at the apartment does he allow for the invisibility to come to a halt and his weary armored form come back into existence. The armor being popped off carelessly then dumped off onto the workbench to keep the clutter out of the way from his tired feet. Everything else feels numb and surreal that he has to allow for Shade to remind him that everything did in fact happen.

That this was reality. A very bullshit and sucky reality that needs to shove off.

There's flickers of frustration and anger but the exhaustion wins out. So it's a quick hot shower and the hunter readies to sleep. However at that point all he can do is stare down at the bed.

For the past month, it had been empty except for himself. Every night had been harder than the last with the hope that there would be someone else in there one night. Come back and find that stupid ass grin and soft teases as if nothing had ever changed. His fists clench before relaxing as he slides down with his back against the wall and refusing to be in that bed.

The next day is the same except that for once in the past week, he isn't about to fall over from exhaustion. However the numbness sticks around and his actions hold no real effort to them. His fellow vanguards expressing concern but he waves them off as much as he does to Shade. It was nothing. Just another day at work.

Until he gets to his quarters. That damn helmet staring up at him from his desk silently. Accusingly.

Everything from the night before comes crashing back and that numbness he felt collapses to reveal an aching loneliness and guilt. The hunter screwed up. He screwed up majorly because of all that and he doesn't know how to fix it. Except for to return to the apartment, broken helmet under his arm and send Shade out with a note looking for a certain titan.]

[rocketsout]

[Night passes both far too quickly and not quickly enough all at once. While the cockpit of his ship is still miles better than the wet Venusian ground, it merely serves a reminder of this wasn't how things were supposed to be. Or at least, he'd thought that. Now, with crushing reality of James' reception, and the realization of what actual atrocities he'd committed on the other, there seems to be no clear path to sorting out the mess he'd created.

Sleep comes only in fitful bursts, and by the end of the night he's more weary than when it began.

The Host isn't set to move out again for a while, thankfully, but it leaves him aimless and homeless. Sure, staying on board was certainly an option, but it would only serve as a temporary solution, as well as a reminder of the simple fact that he wasn't wanted around. Patrol, maybe then. Not something he enjoyed embarking on by himself, but at least it would give his mind something else to focus on. Or maybe a day or two down in the last city; rent a cheap room somewhere, just something with a half-functioning shower and somewhere to pass out when needed.

The options are unsavory at best, and he can't properly think through any of them. First thing first though, he needs to resupply himself. A month on Venus has all but decimated his synthesis stash, and of course there's a matter of field rations, and even checking in with Lakshmi-2. Busy work. Things to keep him from thinking too hard.

He's handing over glimmer to the gunsmith when there's movement out of the corner of his eye. Ghost. Not Tarlowe, not the right colouring. No one else is around-

He narrows his eyes slightly, but not in suspicion or anger, simply in confusion, because he recognizes the shell. He'd made a point to stay as far away from the vanguard quarters as possible, just to prevent causing any more duress, so why was the hunter's ghost out and about? Did that mean James was around?

There's another twist in his chest at that thought, and as much as he wants to stay and see, he makes the decision to quickly finish paying and start heading down to the hangar. No need to make things worse than they already were.]

[sword_breaker]

[The ghost is proud to be able to be of assistance to his guardian and has been busy scanning through the tower to find a discernible trace of his titan target. He hasn't been able to do anything like this for days so he's considerably through in his search. He rather not disappoint James right now.

Wait...is that? Yes. By the gunsmith. Titan class and he's certain the markers are proving that it's 97.24110% likely to be Liam.

Oh no. Why's he leaving? No no no no no!

He zooms after the fleeing guardian and musters some gall to zip past before turning around and flying into the titan's face. His fins spinning out of annoyance.]

Stop. Official vanguard business....I think. So ugh don't run away!

[rocketsout]

[Get to the hangar, get his ship, get going somewhere. It's not a good plan, but it's at least a plan. Lakshmi will have to wait, he'll just have to make do with the rations he has, he needs to leave before something else goes wrong.

And of course it does. Just his luck.

Shade's apparently seen him, and where there's Shade there's usually James, and what is this 'official vanguard business' nonsense? He just wants to leave in peace, before things take a turn. He's still tired, still hasn't gotten a shower, and still feels rough over everything that's transpired.

It's not half a second later that Tarlowe materializes with a grating, metallic noise and an agitated spin of his fins as he floats in front of his guardian.]

Don't have any business with the vanguard right now.

[Which kills him inside.]

[sword_breaker]

Ugh what? No. You kind of do actually. Well it's not necessarily vanguard duty but I work for one. So that should count, right? Right.

Also I'm trying to be helpful ok? Don't use that tone with me.

[His top fun lowers defensively at the other ghost, his eye flashing as he attempts to defuse the situation carefully. He was supposed to help not make things worse. Though Tarlowe never seemed to like him regardless of what he did.]

I'm supposed to deliver orders. Ugh well more so a note. Though I mean I can just read off what it said which would be easy.

Besides he's not around if that's what's making you so tense.

Anyway...come home. That's what it says.

[rocketsout]

[Shade's still as eloquent as ever, it seems, but at the very least the affirmation that James isn't around means that he doesn't quite know how to feel. That should be a good thing, right? But there's disappointment beyond it, and it only adds to the guilt and sick in his chest.

One hand strays up to scoop his ghost out of the air, holding the thing to his chest despite Tarlowe's indignant noises contrary.]

...alright. Thanks. Go on back.

[And he doesn't head home right away, because he's not certain how to interpret the message. Spends so much time thinking it over and over again, pacing through the hangar with no rhyme or reason for his patterns.

Home. It is home, isn't it? Of course it is. It's been home for a while now.

He wants to believe, he wants to believe so much that things are okay, that he can go back, the door will open, and there will be the same snippy comments and fond expression that he's missed.

It takes the better part of an hour before he's able to gather up his courage though. The walk over is quiet, filled with apprehension, and even when he arrives, he knocks. Barging straight in feels like such a bad idea, not with how delicate the situation is.]

[sword_breaker]

Oh. Ok then. Can do and all.

[Then he's off and heading off back to the apartment because he got his job done successfully or at least to the extent of what the hunter had asked him to do. Still it's no surprise to see the guardian asleep when he returns.

The hunter had basically started to deconstruct the helmet to see what was wrong with the damn thing. It sat next to his own helmet on the workbench, tools and supplies laid out in a sort of organized clutter. It was certainly a start. May take some time and new components that weren't on hand.

Still he wakes at the noise of the ghost moving about and grimaces at the absence of a titan with him. He sighs heavily, biting his lip and sinking back into the couch.

Then it's a waiting game. He's hopeful that the note won't go ignored so he tries to get himself cleaned up and out of his armor. A habit that's stuck around for a while was him wearing one of Liam's jackets or hoodies, being done so right now.

The hood pulled up as he stares at the door. After what he feels like forever, he's woken up again from another nap. This time by a knock.

Shit. He's up and heading over after brief hesitation, pulling open the door. That guilt sitting like a rock in his stomach.]

Hey. I...ugh...never got to say it yesterday but um welcome back.

[rocketsout]

[Maybe this was a horrible idea. A seconds tick on, he's more and more sure of it, because this can only make things worse, regardless of the note or not. He doesn't trust himself to handle things anymore, not after last night.

But when the door finally opens, any protest he had dies on his tongue, because the sight that greets him sparks something profoundly painful and fond at the same time. Despite everything, there's a hint of a grin, because even with all the fighting and anger, he can't be angry. That's his hoodie, and if he's being honest, it looks a lot better on James. Maybe he's a bit biased.

But he has to find his voice, and it's still rough when he finally is able to speak.]

I mean...kinda preoccupied yesterday.

[It's such a weak joke, and it rings a little hollow, but he's trying.]

[sword_breaker]

Right ugh...about that.

[Yea that was definitely something the other day and he nervously rubs the back of his neck as he looks away to try and get a handle on his nerves. The guilt gnawing at him wasn't helping either. So he takes in a moment to steady himself, burying his hands into the hoodie's pouch.]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...I've been so afraid that you weren't coming back that when you did I...

[He snapped. That's what he did. He was so ready to hear the worst when he instead got handed the best and didn't know what to do.]

I know that sorry doesn't really help. But I'm glad you didn't leave.

[rocketsout]

[A legitimate fear, for those in their mutual line of work. He's worried for the hunter more times than he could ever admit. It's understandable. His own lack of foresight made a bad situation worse.]

...see, always when I get out there, I know I'm coming back.

[He looks away slightly.]

'cause I got something really good waiting at home. So I have to come back.

[And he'll fight through hell to make sure that he does. It's a moment before he spares a glance back over, grinning crookedly.]

Missed you.

[sword_breaker]

[That certainly earns itself a spark of heat into his cheeks which is weird after so long. But he ignores it because he's moving forward and wrapping his arms around the titan, burying his face into the padding around his neck.

The armor is uncomfortable but he doesn't give a damn if it bites into him. His titan was back.]

Shut up. Sappy as hell. ...but I missed you too though.

[He waits for a few moments.]

Your helmet's shit...but not scrap yet.

[rocketsout]

You really don't want to do that, I'm nasty right now.

[But he doesn't move to push James away, and instead reaches very carefully to wind his arms around the other. The relief is nearly palatable, and while he may never admit it, there's a tightness to his chest and a bit of wet around his eyes. It's good to be home.]

And it's totally true.

[The helmet though-]

Took a look at it?

[sword_breaker]

Yea I can now notice that. Good thing I'm wearing your hoodie and not mine. Sorry not sorry.

[Probably should feel bad for getting this thing dirty but right now he didn't exactly care. However he does move to rest his chin on a shoulder piece with a soft sigh, glancing up and smirking.]

Well it sucks when mine has to run off. And definitely could use a shower.

You did leave it in my office. So yes I did. It's salvageable though. Going to need to buy some new components.

[rocketsout]

Eh, I mean, gonna have to clean the hell out of the undersuit anyways. What's another hoodie or whatever?

[Still though, that's not even on the radar of important at the time. He laughs under his breath, rolling his eyes.]

And okay, but you like just mentioned the magic words right there. Like I will probably kill someone for a shower. Or beg. Or trade lewd favors. Really.

[Oh...he did leave it, didn't he? There's a small stab of guilt for that, and it does dull his grin just a bit.]

Sorry about that.

[sword_breaker]

Yea that will be a definite. Just saying. I can always steal another one anyway. So there's that.

[The armor starts to hurt to be pressed against so his hold relaxes somewhat.]

Please don't kill someone. Also you don't exactly do the whole begging thing though I mean I'm sure that can be combined somehow with the lewd favors. Regardless you're taking one.

Don't. It snapped me out of it and made me realize how much of an ass I was.

[rocketsout]

Not stealing if I give it to you.

[Feeling the other move away, he loosens his hold, pulling back slightly to give James some room.]

See, I'm at that point. I will get down on my hands and knees and beg buck naked if it means I get to finally see running water again. You know how Venus is, I feel disgusting.

[He falls quiet for a bit though, processing that revelation, but in the end he closes his eyes and very carefully hugs the hunter close for a short moment.]

...can I come in?

[sword_breaker]

Eh I've wearing quite a number of them though. So...yea.

[He stays close though despite having pulled back, more than wanting to stick by after everything.]

As much as that would be amusing to see, I think I'll just let you use it without asking for anything. You know like how we've done it for a while now.

[Then there's another hug and fuck it he'll deal with the armor because this is nice. He presses his forehead against Liam's gently.]

Absolutely.

[rocketsout]

Then it looks like we're sharing.

[Despite everything he smiles, eyes closing at the contact, though he pulls away just for a moment to gently bump his forehead against James' before leaning back in.]

Kinda like this idea. Think I'm probably gonna take you up on it right now. Kinda definitely like being home.

[And as reticent as he is to move, he breaks the hold ever so slightly, tugging the hunter inside.]

[sword_breaker]

As if I'm not used to that concept already.

[This is great after being alone for so long and he closes his eyes for a brief moment but quickly flickers them open at the bump.]

Sounds like a plan. I promise that I didn't use all the hot water earlier.

[It's a small simple joke and he's smiling. However the blush faintly returns at the tug, following the pull and making sure to close the door.]