sword_breaker | Future Stuff ::1:: Been Up All Night

Future Stuff ::1:: Been Up All Night

[This was not clicking for some reason. He has been staring at these reports for the past hour and half, nothing having been accomplished besides from papers being shuffled around in a semblance of productivity and knives thrown into the pillar behind him out of sheer frustration. His fingers tapping along the worn metal to keep himself from doing further property damage at this rate.

The bottom line was that stress was gnawing at him.

Not from the job though. If anything, reports should came as second nature after the past few months and coordinating had been relatively easy once the rough first week passed by. Being a vanguard should cause less stress than doing actually fieldwork yet here he was at a breaking point almost.

There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Those stupid letters and photos and other bullshit weren't coming in anymore.

Something had to have happened and he's stuck here in this goddamn tower like a fresh rezzed moron.

His hands were effectively tied as well. No one could be sent out without the other two's approval and even then it'd be brought forward to discussion by the head vanguard. Which means that nothing could happen for days and he'll be sitting on his ass like he already was. All it did was make him all the more frustrated about having given up his freedom to leave as he so pleased because at least then someone would be out there trying to figure out what happened.

The hunter buries his face in his hands with an exhausted sigh leaving him. He probably looked like hell at this rate. Throwing himself into long hours had made his sleep schedule an abysmal handful of hours in the past few days. Half the time he didn't know how he wasn't passing out during meetings. Be easy to. Pull the hood further down, lean down on the table and maybe get an hour or two of on and off rest. Might be the best time to try it out to be quite honest since the hall was dead before attempting it when there'd be actual repercussions to getting caught.

He grunts after stretching out on the table some, pillowing his head with his arms for something close to comfortable. Shade is called out of transmat to keep a watch on things while an attempt at a nap was made. The ghost whirling softly in concern but does as told.

Things suck. Might as well try to ignore it for the time being.]

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I just...I thought you were down or worse dead! I couldn't do anything to find out. I could do nothing but sit on my ass and just--argh!

[His back is turned to Liam as he continues to fume and his admission to the hell that the past week had been. He was so tired but the anger made it impossible to imagine sleep right now. Shoulders do sag ever so slightly and he runs a hand through his hair.]

God dammit.

[The more and more James goes on, the worse the titan ends up feeling, because everything that he's saying is entirely justified. Shit, he really did fuck up, and fuck up hard. Hindsight is twenty twenty, and the regret is certainly there.

He's smart enough not to reach out, but he does take a step or two closer, arms falling to his sides and shoulders sagging.]

Shit...I mean-

[This is not how he'd envisioned coming home at all.]

...I'm sorry.

[He doesn't even give any regard to Liam coming in closer and rather focus on scowling down at the floor. His arms come up to cross over his chest, screwing his eyes shut with a frustrated sigh.]

Vanguard always assume the worst. So I couldn't do anything. Not even ask for help because everyone would say that you had died out there.

[The hunter was trying his best to avoid admitting to being afraid. Supposed to be the tough no nonsense hunter vanguard...right?]

The longer the silence, the easier it is to assume.

[There's a sick feeling settling low in his gut, and he falls still, hanging his head with a quiet sigh.]

Almost did.

[Not the best thing to say, perhaps, but it's the honest truth.]

Got in the thick of things around the Steps. Hezen Minotaur nearly smashed my head in.

[It's a quiet admission, and while he keeps his tone as casual as possible, there's nothing light about the words.]

Knocked out the power to optics and comms instead. Been running on emergency translucency and a lot of yelling for the past week or so.

[There's a humorless laugh that accompanies that.]

Should...should have had someone else shoot back a message or something. Shoulda been my first move instead of-

[Instead of letting the hunter think the worst. Something, anything.]

I'm sorry.

How the hell is that supposed to make things better? Did that not go through your head before you spat it out? You know oh hey I almost died but I didn't doesn't make things feel any goddamn better.

[He turns to face the titan again, still scowling and pissed off. Though he feels even more fearful after learning all of that. So close to losing someone and not being able to do anything...again.]

Instead of what though? Huh?

[His jaw gets set and he looks away, shaking his head and crossing his arms to stop the desire to punch the idiot even more.]

You know what? Nevermind. I'm going home.

[He skirts past Liam and heads out towards the upper courtyard. There were a couple of people roaming the halls that gave him a wide berth after all the shouting. No one wanted to deal with a ticking time bomb of a Vanguard.]

[What can he say in his own defense? There's nothing, really, because every barbed word that the hunter spits out rings so very true. Forethought and subtlety have never been his strengths, and he'd just been so happy to get home, to finally see the other man, that he'd not ver considered the consequences of his actions. Now they're certainly apparent, and there's a quiet noise of distress as the hunter brushes past and stalks out. He whirls on his heels, darting forward to follow him out, regardless of the looks the movement draws.]

James-

[Because for as terrible an idea as it is, he's not about to let the hunter run off. Not on this note, and certainly not when he has so much to try to atone for. It hurts. Hurts in ways that bullets and bruises could never hope to, because it's his fault and he can't figure out how to make it better.]

Fuck off, Liam.

[All he wants to do is get back to the apartment and simply shut down. Just curl up on the bed and recuperate all of that lost sleep and forget the terrifying last few days. But he can't do that while a certain titan is tailing after him.

So he rears up, snaps around and lets arc under his skin finally break out. His armor charged with electric energy and making him all the more dangerous.]

Fuck off and go to hell.

[The surge of arc isn't subtle, and he takes a step back for a moment on instinct, his own light flaring to life just under his skin. He quells it again though, forces himself to relax, and that sick feeling in his gut only spreads further and further until it feels like there's something cold and vile nesting beneath his ribs.]

I-

[This wasn't supposed to happen. This really wasn't supposed to happen.]

Yeah.

Okay.

[It's as quiet as he's ever been, and he's too weary and too taken aback to mask any of the hurt in his tone. But it's not about that, and it's not about his own feelings on the matter, and so he doesn't make a move to follow.]

...I'm sorry.

[There's nothing else being thrown at him and the quiet acceptance throws him off some. His anger nothing left to fuel so it simmers down to a fraction of what it had been. The crackling arc dissipating after a couple more moments, leaving him drained.

He lowers his eyes with a soft sigh. The pain in Liam's voice makes him worried and hesitant on what to do next.]

Sorry can only help so much.

[Then he's focused on Shade.]

Activate the frequency. Let's go home.

[A snap of invisibility and both guardian and ghost vanish from sight. The hunter didn't have enough energy to do it on his own. He resorts to an old habit.

Running away and hiding from problems he can't handle.]

I know.

[It's been so long since he's had invisibility used against him, and that strikes home harder than any physical blade ever could. And oh it hurts, because it feels so final, and so derisive.

Even with the slight shimmer of arc in the air, it's nearly impossible to keep his sights on the hunter's form, regardless of everything. He wants to, even makes a move as though to step forward, but indecision paralyzes him. He wants so much: to run forward, to deal with the reprecussions, to just reach out and wrap his arms around the hunter regardless of any protest, to make things better.

But it won't solve anything. And so he stands for a bit, staring blankly forward at the place where James' figure used to be.

It takes time, but eventually it's almost robotic the way that he turns on his heel and heads back in to the vanguard quarters. There's a dull noise as his helmet hits the table, and he just stares again for a moment, not processing. It's another dumb decision, one he's not even sure why he's doing, but rationality and good thought have temporarily taken leave. It's a few moments before he can force himself to move; his feet feel leaden, though it has nothing to do with weariness from travel.

Eventually he leaves, helmet left behind, doing his best not to look back, and certainly not meeting the gaze of anyone else that may pass by. Back to the ship then, and then...he has no idea. Tarlowe materializes and buzzes about worriedly, but he waves the ghost off with one hand after he's clear for transmat.

Ship. At least he has a short term goal.]

[Once at the apartment does he allow for the invisibility to come to a halt and his weary armored form come back into existence. The armor being popped off carelessly then dumped off onto the workbench to keep the clutter out of the way from his tired feet. Everything else feels numb and surreal that he has to allow for Shade to remind him that everything did in fact happen.

That this was reality. A very bullshit and sucky reality that needs to shove off.

There's flickers of frustration and anger but the exhaustion wins out. So it's a quick hot shower and the hunter readies to sleep. However at that point all he can do is stare down at the bed.

For the past month, it had been empty except for himself. Every night had been harder than the last with the hope that there would be someone else in there one night. Come back and find that stupid ass grin and soft teases as if nothing had ever changed. His fists clench before relaxing as he slides down with his back against the wall and refusing to be in that bed.

The next day is the same except that for once in the past week, he isn't about to fall over from exhaustion. However the numbness sticks around and his actions hold no real effort to them. His fellow vanguards expressing concern but he waves them off as much as he does to Shade. It was nothing. Just another day at work.

Until he gets to his quarters. That damn helmet staring up at him from his desk silently. Accusingly.

Everything from the night before comes crashing back and that numbness he felt collapses to reveal an aching loneliness and guilt. The hunter screwed up. He screwed up majorly because of all that and he doesn't know how to fix it. Except for to return to the apartment, broken helmet under his arm and send Shade out with a note looking for a certain titan.]

There's no way he would have missed this.

So. You're sure we can't help you get out of this office?

Yes I'm pretty sure, ok? I need to get this stuff done.

Edited 2015-10-12 22:59 (UTC)

Nope. C'mon. I'm very sure we can.

[She tugs threateningly at his cape.]

[That was definitely not a good thing.]

Kell, let go of me.

Nope. Don't make me drag you.

Let. Go. Of. My. Cloak.

Yes, sir.

[She hauls him up over her shoulder and heads for the door.]

Don't you--KELL PUT ME DOWN NOW.

Nope. Off we go!

[She sends a quick message to Andrei and the Crucible attendant that she's inbound with a third person for their team. They'd better get in there quickly.]

[This has him livid within moments of having been picked up by the titan and he scowls. Then there's a brief flash and a knife is out and placed against her throat. He was not in the mood for this bullshit.]

Put me down. NOW.

[Mykelle keeps walking.]

We've got an appointment in the queue in two minutes. Can I trust you to come?

I don't want to run around in the crucible. What a part of no do you not comprehend?!

That part. C'mon, you can't sulk in your office all day and glare at your paperwork.

[Night passes both far too quickly and not quickly enough all at once. While the cockpit of his ship is still miles better than the wet Venusian ground, it merely serves a reminder of this wasn't how things were supposed to be. Or at least, he'd thought that. Now, with crushing reality of James' reception, and the realization of what actual atrocities he'd committed on the other, there seems to be no clear path to sorting out the mess he'd created.

Sleep comes only in fitful bursts, and by the end of the night he's more weary than when it began.

The Host isn't set to move out again for a while, thankfully, but it leaves him aimless and homeless. Sure, staying on board was certainly an option, but it would only serve as a temporary solution, as well as a reminder of the simple fact that he wasn't wanted around. Patrol, maybe then. Not something he enjoyed embarking on by himself, but at least it would give his mind something else to focus on. Or maybe a day or two down in the last city; rent a cheap room somewhere, just something with a half-functioning shower and somewhere to pass out when needed.

The options are unsavory at best, and he can't properly think through any of them. First thing first though, he needs to resupply himself. A month on Venus has all but decimated his synthesis stash, and of course there's a matter of field rations, and even checking in with Lakshmi-2. Busy work. Things to keep him from thinking too hard.

He's handing over glimmer to the gunsmith when there's movement out of the corner of his eye. Ghost. Not Tarlowe, not the right colouring. No one else is around-

He narrows his eyes slightly, but not in suspicion or anger, simply in confusion, because he recognizes the shell. He'd made a point to stay as far away from the vanguard quarters as possible, just to prevent causing any more duress, so why was the hunter's ghost out and about? Did that mean James was around?

There's another twist in his chest at that thought, and as much as he wants to stay and see, he makes the decision to quickly finish paying and start heading down to the hangar. No need to make things worse than they already were.]

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Future Stuff ::1:: Been Up All Night

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